Sunday, October 3, 2010

Dr. Jones, I Presume?: CAROLINA JONES AND THE BROKEN COVENANT (2008)

Well, here we are at the end of the road.  Our “week long” coverage of Indiana Jones and RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK rip-offs has lasted an astounding 34 days.  We pride ourselves on trying to present the most thorough overview online, but there are still titles (JUNGLE RAIDERS, TREASURE OF THE AMAZON, BIKINI JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF EROS [oh boy!]) that will pop up later on the blog.  Hopefully in 100 years when our grandchildren are worshipping Wyld Stallyns some adventurous future video junkie will discover our coverage and learn something (and probably say, “What losers!”).

Of course, what better way to wrap up the coverage than to peek into the world of the porn parody?  We previously covered Indiana Jones parodies here, but the porn genre is quite a different beast.  Namely because you see folks getting nekkid and doing it for the camera, something HYSTERICAL (1983) was (thankfully) lacking.  Porn send ups are tricky because 85% of the time you will only get a semi-clever send up title attached to a film that opts not to spoof its namesake in the least.  The porn industry was quick to jump on the RAIDERS remake train with the introduction of Indiana Joan in 1984.  Three films (INDIANA JOAN AND THE BLACK HOLE OF MAMMOO [1984], INDIANA JOAN IN THE GOLDEN TRIANGLE [1989] and RETURN OF INDIANA JOAN [1989]) were made with the character.  Not sure how “faithful” they are to the source material as copies were unavailable for review.  Other Indiana Jones porn knock offs include the Private Productions INDIANA MACK (2000), INDIANA MACK II: SEX IN THE DESERT (2001) and the Ron Jeremy starrer SAN FERNANDO JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF POON (2000).  Even the gay industry got in on the action with RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARSE and the amusingly titled sequel RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARSE: THE MUMMY’S HAND.


The business of pornsploitation took a big leap in the new millennium with studios like Adam & Eve, Hustler and Vivid producing films that copied major movies in both title and content.  CAROLINA JONES AND THE BROKEN COVENANT is Adam & Eve’s attempt to cash in on LucasFilm’s 2008 last drop wringing…er…anticipated sequel INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL.  Even funnier is the film attempts to be a true sequel, dealing with events from RAIDERS and one of Indy’s offspring.  And let’s just say this one is far more appealing than Shia “Must Have Some Major Blackmail Material” LaBeouf.  The film takes place 25 years after the events of RAIDERS and opens with Carolina Jones (Ava Rose) exploring a cave. She, naturally, happens upon a couple having sex on an altar with sacrifice Dixie (Bree Olsen) tied down nearby.  Carolina saves Dixie by drilling into the man’s skull (apparently this cave has an electrical set up) and throwing a spiked dildo into a monk’s mouth (really!). Carolina and Dixie return to a hotel where they get a telegram that reads “covenant has been broken…find JB…love, dad.”  Who is this mysterious father?

Carolina Jones shows her treasure(s):


Using Dixie’s hitchhiking skills, the duo head to the home of one John Brody, Carolina’s former lover (and one assumes the son of RAIDERS’ Marcus Brody).  The guards (including a guy with a long ponytail) prove no problem as Dixie screws one to allow Carolina the opportunity to sneak in.  She finds the blindfolded Brody tied to his bed (as he was just having sex too, duh!) and gets the pertinent info out of him by pouring hot tea on him.  Seems Brody told Nazi Clause (Aron Laszlo) the secret location of the Ark of the Covenant and he is now hiding in Israel.  Are Nazi’s still around post-WWII? And is Israel the best place to try and hide?  Carolina vows to stop Clause and then, for good measure, she pours honey on Brody’s penis and smashes open an ant farm to unleash some hilarious CGI ants.  Man, if I had a dime for every time one of my ex-girlfriends did that to me.

Outside of Brody’s mansion, Carolina breaks down what is going on to Dixie. “My father is Indy Jones,” she says, to which Dixie responds, “No way!  That famous race car driver?”  Carolina also reveals that Brody is her one and only lover.  This absolutely stuns Dixie, who offers, “No wonder you are so tense. You’ve got a pussy.  Use it or lose it.” Carolina takes this sage advice to heart as she immediately gets it on with the bellhop at the next hotel.  Did I mention she has a tramp stamp?  Eventually our duo makes it to Israel and – in a plot move odd even for porn – Dixie’s ex-fiancé Alex shows up out of nowhere.  The three of them are quickly captured by Clause’s men and he presents the sacred ark to use “zee pow-her on zee twee of ewe.” Damn, that ark sure got smaller.  Things look hopelessly bleak for our trio before Indy Jones hisself kicks open a door and unleashes a can of whip whoop ass.  All is well as Clause dies and thick accented Indy is reunited with his daughter.  But things need to be patched up between Alex and Dixie and Carolina knows the only way – a threesome that begins with her come on line of, “Now, who wants to find my Holy Grail?” No, I’m not kidding.    


Yes, we take our film criticism very serious here at Video Junkie and won’t turn our noses up at something just because it shows real intercourse (unless it has Marlon Brando in it).  For a porn parody, CAROLINA JONES actually manages to both achieve and disappoint. The fact that the filmmakers opted to do a sequel to one of the most famous films of our generation is admirable in a Bruno Mattei sort of way.  Unfortunately, they did it with a budget of about $15 bucks.  And while you will get a laugh here and there, the script is definitely not porn send ups finest.  Adam & Eve is one of those porno companies that prides itself on making stuff “for couples” so don’t expect anything too risqué in the sex department.  They should, however, be commended for casting natural girls Ava Rose and Bree Olsen in the leads.  They are both the antithesis of the surgically enhanced, plastic looking ladies who unfathomably dominate the top of the porn industry food chain.  And, surprisingly, they are both decent actresses…by porn standards!  Whew, glad I got that in there.  The funniest thing about this micro-budget porn send up is actually better than The Asylum’s ALLAN QUATERMAIN AND THE TEMPLE OF SKULLS all around from the acting to the CGI bugs.

Bonus treasure for reading the whole review: 

Moments of Clarity:

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