Indiana Jones rip-offs. We set out to cover everything under the sun, from animated movies to Italian carbon copies to adult features. While it was exhaustive (and exhausting), we still left quite a few relics unearthed knowing we would get to them one day. One group of treasures was the XXX series of ‘80s INDIANA JOAN flicks, scarce thanks mostly to the ancient technology format known as VHS. Given that we are video archaeologists as dogged as Dr. Jones himself, we finally found a copy of the first feature, INDIANA JOAN IN THE BLACK HOLE OF MAMMOO (1984). And having watched it, we kind of wish we had a Belloq-type rival who would snatch it from our hands before we could watch it and taunt, “There is nothing you can possess which I can not take away.” Please take it away! Please!
Director Vince Benedetti isn’t leaving anything to chance. His big mistake is he assumes his target audience can read. Anyway, her hallucination is having sex with Captain Jim. Jeez, you’d think her imagination would pick a better looking guy.
After this laborious scene (that ends with Joan masturbating with an oar; alas it is faked, my dear oar sex lovers) the survivors spot land and begin rowing toward it. Naturally, the natives are restless and they are greeting by two spear-wielding female natives (they are billed as Amazons, despite this taking place in Africa). In the film’s lone unintentional highlight, watch as one girl winces when she throws her spear, afraid it might hit the video camera. We assume one of these weapons hits Daddy since he is on the ground in the next shot in pain. Yes, Benedetti couldn’t be bothered to show something as simple as a spear hitting someone. Joan and Jim split while Daddy gets a spear in the gut – via the age-old “stick it by my side” technique – for his trouble. Our leads make it to another cheap cave set and Jim soon discovers (by walking two feet) that this is a diamond mine. Oh snap, sudden wealth means only one thing – we need to fornicate as the characters dive into the film’s third sex scene. “I’ve been dreaming about this for days,” says Joan in the flattest tone ever. Now I really must credit the performers here as this entire scene takes place on a bed of hay and I can’t imagine that being comfortable at all. Once Joan and Jim get their fill, the two African ladies with spears show up. One of them is enamored by the sight of a white woman and we quickly move into our fourth sex scene as Joan and Amazon #1 (Hazel Scott) make out and Amazon #2 orally services Jim.
“Nope, no cavities here.”
CAROLINA JONES AND THE BROKEN COVENANT (2008). Little did we know that it would look like a masterpiece compared to this first Indiana Joan offering. I’ve often bemoaned the state of current XXX parodies being nothing more than glorified adult cosplay, with the actors having sex while dressed up in costumes. Sadly, this seems to be an age old problem in the adult industry. THE BLACK HOLE OF MAMMOO earns respect for being the first to cash in on the adventures of Dr. Jones, but that is about it. If anything, it is just another case of missed opportunity. How lazy is this film? They actually never have Indiana Joan handle a whip like on the cover. And the film isn’t whip-less as one of the native females carries one in one scene. Perhaps Benedetti didn’t trust Dahl to handle anything other than a penis? Then again, maybe I’m just an idiot for expecting creativity from the guy who made FOOT FUCKIN’ FREAKS 2 (2001)? His ROMANCING THE BONE from the same year must be better, right?