Friday, March 14, 2014

The XXX-Factor: THIS AIN'T GHOSTBUSTERS XXX (2011)

Chances are you were as shocked as everyone at the untimely passing of Harold Ramis in February 2014.  Equally surprising was the sheer amount of amazing work the man packed into his four decades in the entertainment business. We’re talking film that are certified classics that are still quoted today.  I’d like to think Ramis truly didn’t feel he had made it though until 2011 when Hustler unveiled their XXX parody of GHOSTBUSTERS.  Sure, there had previously been SPERMBUSTERS (1985) starring Ginger Lynn (now that title is forever listed in my Google history *sigh*) but that was just a title/cover spoof only with nary a horny Dr. Egon Spengler in sight.  Not only does this 2011 version parody the comedy classic almost scene-for-scene, but director Axel Braun went – ahem – balls to the wall in copying it.  Who you gonna call?  This Ain't Ghostbusters XXX!

The film opens exactly as its influence with a scene of a ghost haunting the New York public library.  Of course, the librarian here is male and played by Ron Jeremy.  A quick aside – this is actually quite a historic moment in cinema as it marks the first and only time an actor has appeared in both the original film and the adult parody of it. (Yes, the porn industry never capitalized on Scotty Schwartz’s films when he made a brief run there.) “What? Ron Jeremy wasn’t in the original GHOSTBUSTERS,” I hear you cry.  But, actually, he was.  He appears as an extra in the crowd scenes. Seriously, check it out.


Of course, the filmmakers here fail to capitalize on that as Jeremy never utters a single line. Hell, he only has one scene and isn’t even given a sex scene (half our readers just breathed a sigh of relief; the other half breathed an even bigger sigh of relief).

Irony: Ron Jeremy terrified at a 
white blob heading toward his face:


Anyway, we get our first sex scene as Dr. Peter Venkman (Evan Stone) is in his office doing the psychic reading test with a male and female student.  He shocks the poor guy so much that he says “fuck this” and walks out.  Naturally, Venkman takes a fancy to the female student (Lily Labeau) and soon they are going at it for about 20 minutes.  Or, as he so aptly puts it, “we need to concentrate on your special gifts.”



Right at the end of their tryst, Dr. Raymond Stantz (Alec Knight) enters and excitedly tells Venkman about the ghost sighting.  “Little busy here, Ray,” he says. But this is the big one Ray has been waiting for, as he says, “It blew the books off the shelves and nearly blew every guy in the place.” Haha.  The two docs soon become a trio as they are joined by Dr. Egon Spengler (James Deen) in the bowels of the library to check on this ghost.  First, Venkman is forced to collect a slimy white substance (you figure it out) dripping off the books.  They spot the ghost (Alexis Texas) and she does the “shhh” bit before kneeing Venkman in the crotch as he approaches her.  Naturally, there is only one course of action here and Egon and Venkman shout “fuck her,” a play on the famous “get her” line.  Poor Ray is then forced to get it on with the ghost girl, who materializes into the flesh in order to accommodate the deed.

Meanwhile, we get the introduction of Dana (Raven Alexis) and her neighbor Louis (Jeremy Conaway) in their apartment building.  After Louis admits he went into her apartment to turn down the TV (and left with a pair of panties), Dana goes into her place with her groceries and spots an ad for the Ghostbusters on her TV.  After being attacked by flying hotdogs (seriously missed opportunity here, guys; you couldn’t do a reverse shot of one landing in her mouth?), Dana opens her refrigerator to find the gateway to hell.  Who’s she gonna call?  So, of course, she heads to the office to report the paranormal activities in her fridge.  She has trouble getting the attention of the secretary Janine (Sarah Shevon) though as Egon is under the desk eating her out. Venkman is more than happy to oblige as he sits her down to hear her story and becomes smitten with her. Can someone be smitten in a porn movie?

Anyway, the guys get their first call and head to the Chateau du Braun (boooooo!) in order to take out a ghost.  As everyone knows, this is where they meet Slimer, the XXX variation of which is sporting a penis. This gives a whole new context to the “he slimed me” line which appears a few minutes later.



They capture the little beast with probably the best CGI trickery in the film that echoes the original film really well.


This segues into Venkman heading to Dana’s place with some flowers to charm her.  But it is too late as she is already possessed by Zuul.  “Do you want to fuck Zuul,” she asks and we dive into the film’s third sex scene as quickly as Venkman dives into her crotch.




Post-coupling, Venkman calls Egon to tell him about Dana’s current state (and, no doubt, brag about getting it on with a demon).  Egon informs him that he is aware of all the strange on goings as he and Janine have the Keymaster in the office in the form of Louis.  Hold on a sec…Egon, Janine, Louis…porn movie law #RU469 decrees a threesome must happen!  Not to break porn movie edicts, Braun provides the ménage à trios.  All you folks who pine for an Annie Potts look-a-like sex scene or have a serious ‘80s big glasses fetish will be sufficiently satiated.




The film quickly jumps to the finale as all four Ghostbusters are on the building’s rooftop to confront Gozer (Jennifer Dark). Wait, all four Ghostbusters?  Yes, Tee Reel (if that is your “reel” name) shows up as the Ernie Hudson character Winston Zeddemore.  It’s like they read my notes where I wrote down “where is Ernie?” and underlined it…twice.  This actually leads to the films funniest exchange as Stone says, “Who the fuck is this guy?” and Reel replies, “I’m Ernie Hudson.”  The sudden appearance of Zeddemore actually is integral to the finale as Gozer asks, “Do you have a 13 inch cock?” When Ray says he does not, they all get zapped, leading Venkman to utter the film’s second funniest line of “Ray, when a girl asks you if you have a 13 inch cock, you say yes!”  Gozer tells them to choose their destructor and we get a bit of a deviation from the original as the final villain ends up being a 20 story tall MILF (Joslyn James, famously Tiger Woods favorite hole-in-one).  So, sadly, all you folks yearning for some XXX Stay Puft Marshmallow Man action will be let down.  Damn it, I just opened our blog up for “XXX Stay Puft” searches. Anyway, Zeddemore is the man for this job as he gets it on with this monstrous mother I’d like to fuck.  Thankfully, she shrinks down to regular human size.




Once Zeddemore finishes the job, all the evil disappears and he exclaims, “I love this town.” Roll credits to the parody theme written by one Harry Nutsack with the chorus of “who you gonna fuck?”  Ah, Harry, you’ve seen better days.

Okay, time for my obligatory “I just wrote 1,000 words about a porn parody” cry. My alma mater would be proud.  If any of you are actually reading this and not just drooling at the pictures, I should say that THIS AIN’T GHOSTBUSTERS XXX is a surprisingly decent parody.  Director Axel Braun is so inconsistent in his product (some stuff is so dead on; other stuff is like cosplay with fucking) that you never really know what you are going to get. Thankfully, this is more enjoyable than most.  A lot of it has to do with the performance of Evan Stone as Dr. Peter Venkman, a role in which he just owns.  Sure, his Bill Murray impersonation sounds a bit more like Murray’s Carl with a cold in CADDYSHACK (1980), but the man commits 100% to the role and seems to have been born to play it. Damn, how much must that suck to say, “I was born to play this actor in a porn parody.”  I kid, I kid.  Actually, Stone is so good that he routinely outshines the other folks around him (Knight and Deen are seemingly lifeless in their respective roles) and it garnered him a Best Actor nomination at the AVN (one of eight nominations the film received).

Braun’s attention to detail is also great. Some of the CGI is pretty darn good, like a simple shot of the ghost trap rolling across the floor.  Sure, a lot of the scenes are just performed in front of green screens, but the costumes are top notch and they really made some of the performers look like their cinematic inspirations.  I was just sad that Jennifer Dark, who looks dead on as Gozer, didn’t have a sex scene though. They obviously had a budget as evidenced by the 3-D Bluray version.  I didn’t watch that because a) I don’t have a 3-D television and b) I don’t want to have that embarrassment moment when I die and my life flashes before my eyes and I see where I was watching a 3-D porn parody of GHOSTBUSTERS.  As always, it brings up the idea of missed opportunities, like the aforementioned Ron Jeremy overlook. I can’t believe they didn’t take an opportunity to recreate the floating blowjob scene from the original GHOSTBUSTERS. Also, I can’t believe that – sorry I’m about to write this mom – they didn’t capitalize on the “he’s slimed me” line following a cumshot.  Pardon the pun, but how did that fly past you guys while making this? All that said, THIS AIN’T GHOSTBUSTERS XXX is by far the best porn parody we’re ever going to see of the, ahem, seminal comedy classic.  It is also probably the only GHOSTBUSTERS to feature jerkoffs…that is until Seth Rogan is in the inevitable Hollywood remake.  R.I.P. Harold Ramis.

Moments of Clarity:

1 Reactions:

  1. Brilliant review, always love these and I actually did read it

    ReplyDelete

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