The film opens with a group of badass looking killers dressed all in black leaving a house filled with dead bodies. The ninja-looking dudes hop into a van driven by Russell (Ron Asheton), who drives them back to a warehouse-turned-laboratory. Once there we meet Dr. Bloom (Bill Hinzman, NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD’s cemetery ghoul and FLESHEATER  hero) and the two men discuss the progress of their experiments and how they want to get out from under the grip of Mafioso Francis Vansemie (Jeff Rector, hungry again for more scenery after STREET SOLDIERS ). Damn, speak of the devil, Francis shows up and states that he also wants to sever their connection. Of course, being a mob guy, this means having his goons shoot up anything and everything in the lab.
James Hetfield, Mob Enforcer:
AXE GIANT ), a recently discharged military man who has shown up here in Detroit to look for his missing scientist father. He breaks into the lab and soon stumbles upon Russell, who not only survived the shooting but apparently insists on always wearing the same clothes. The doc’s former assistant gives Taylor the lowdown on what really happened to his dad. No, he’s not missing, he’s dead. And the reason is because ol’ pop had developed a group of cyborgs that he called C.Z.A.s (Cybernetic Zombie Assassins, duh). Wow, dad sure had a way with acronyms. “I thought he was working on some kind of synthetic cheese spread,” says Taylor. Nope, the only thing cheesy in this situation is this set up. It appears when dad’s grant ran out he turned to the local mob run by Francis for some completion funds. However, when the mob got wind of his experiments, they decided to use the mad scientist’s creations to get rid of the local competition. Jeez, imagine the havoc that would have been wreaked if he had made synthetic cheese. Or would that be havoc that would have reeked?
|Taylor's "I no want picnic" mad face|
Conditions under which I was forced to watch this again:
when he first sees her? Most annoyingly, the film comes off like someone who wrote something trying to be or sound cool. And, as we all know, the ends up coming off as authentic as an 18-year-old kid today wearing a Circle Jerks shirt and moaning about missing the good ol’ days of punk. Complicating matters is some really stiff acting. It says something about your film when Bill F’N Hinzman is the best actor of the lot. And Jaissle makes some downright odd directorial choices, like having Francis return as part cyborg and giving him a voice that sounds like he inhaled helium before every take. The most offensive choice is putting a picture of a car flipping through an explosion on the back of the VHS box when nothing like that happens in the film. How dare you! It is truly a shame as, like I said, the film really did have some great stuff going for it but just ends up being a case of potential unreached. It is neither good nor bad, but I wouldn’t wish LEGION OF THE NIGHT on my worst enemy. I save ROBOT NINJA (1989) for that.