SPIDERS opens aboard a space station where some top secret experiments are being done on spiders. Naturally, someone gets bitten and everything goes to hell at zero gravity. Back on Earth, college newspaper reporter Maci (Lana Parrilla) convinces a couple of friends to go check out a secret military bases because she believes some UFO activity is going on there (she’s seen one too many X-FILES programs). When they arrive, they see the space shuttle Solaris crash in the desert. This is strange because her editor tells her media reports said the craft burnt up on re-entry. Can a girl looking for the big scoop be any luckier? Maci and her two male companions sneak into the underground military base and soon find out the U.S. Government was up to some nefarious activities as they were messing with spider DNA in order to create the ultimate soldier. This results in Mother, a huge spider that just happens to get loose in the facility while the kids are down there.
The parallel between SPIDERS of old and SPIDERS of new is pretty interesting for me. The new film was made by a director who made something I hold dear. New SPIDERS director Tibor Takacs made the insanely great THE GATE (1987), one of my favorite 1980s flicks. In addition, he also made the solid I, MADMAN (1989) a few years later. So, once again, I’m drawn in by a love of an earlier film. What I seemingly always forget is the rest of Takacs’ filmography.
SPIDERS opens aboard a space station where some top secret experiments are being done on spiders. Déjà vu. Oh wait, it is totally different because this one was owned by the Russians and everyone inside is dead. Anyway, the facility is torn apart by meteor fragments in a frenzy of low budget CGI chaos. A piece survives re-entry and crashes down into New York City. Cue NYC stock footage and dust off that NYC Bulgarian backlot. Enter Jason Cole (Patrick Muldoon, doing one very bad NYC accent), New York transit authority dude who loves to keep them subways running. He’s pissed because one of his workers investigating dies and the health department rep Rachel Cole (Christa Campbell) won’t let him reopen the tunnel. Wait a sec…Cole…Cole…oh, damn, not only is she his occupational nemesis, but “Rach” is his soon-to-be-ex-wife. To make matters worse, there are now these growing mutant spiders running around the subway tunnels. You see, the Soviets were doing some experiments on spiders to create a super web like material that would be impervious to everything. And to throw a swerve in there, this stuff was created using DNA found in some alien spaceship frozen in the mountains decades ago. Anyway, the U.S. is now using Dr. Darnoff (Pete Lee-Wilson) to get the technology and quarantines the entire block…where Jason’s 12-year-old daughter that he neglects just happens to be stranded. Daddy’s coming to get ya! Yup, it is SPIDERS with a side of TAKEN.
|Anyone guilty of a bad NYC accent, |
please raise you hands!