every single KING SOLOMON'S MINES adaptation in, what I thought to be, an excessively anal, and ridiculously obsessive overview during our week (or rather month) of Indiana Jones rip-offs... Apparently an even more excessively anal and ridiculously obsessive reader pointed out that we missed one! Armed with this information, Indiana Will donned his fedora and whipped a copy out of the hands of the krauts and flew it out to me via a tiny map with a red line showing it's progress. Yep, it was with serious team effort that this review hits our little blog. We are expecting exactly three people to be thrilled by this. Which, incidentally, is about one more than usual.
Amazingly as late as the year 2000 Harry Allen Towers decided to produce a film that would plunder the tombs of the late-great Indiana Jones, who passed peacefully in his sleep in 1989 after finding out that he was named after the family dog. Actually I don't know which would be more of a shock, discovering the source of your name came from the resident testicle-licker, or that Sean Connery is your dad. Not only was it a full decade after the final sequel (yes, I said final sequel, don't argue), but also after countless other raiders had come and gone leaving their own artifacts behind. So how are we going to take another crack at this? Well, follow the examples lead by the masters Golan and Globus of course. Knock-off KING SOLOMON'S MINES! As if Indy wasn't getting a little long in the tooth for shameless exploitation, the last time Allan Quatermain was seen on film was four years earlier in 1986! Ah, but how to make it "budget friendly"? Set it in modern day and christen your protagonist... "Chris"!
So obviously, to get the map back, Chris and Hope need to don black Danskin's and rappel through a rooftop skylight into a criss-crossing laser trapped room of death to gingerly reach out and steal it from under a glass case in a room full of venomous spiders! Or just dress up as Arabs and try to bluff their way in. Guess which one really happened? Oh yeah, you betcha. Arab disguises (complete with fake Burt Reynolds mustache) it is. Oh and the guards are bumblers who cause Gates no end of consternation. We get the old I'm-kissing-you-to-get-the-guard-to-stop-paying-attention-to-us ploy at which point Hope tells him that he ain't a bad kisser, to which Chris replies "you should catch me without the silly mustache!" Wacky hijinx, I says. My second favorite bit is the fact that the Mercedes they are escaping in is so well built (pandering to the German market here), that it can plow through an iron gate like it's... well, balsa wood. And yes, they foly in sounds of iron bars hitting the ground. Undoubtedly, my favorite bit is the five-camera set-up for a stunt where a Hope's rather masculine stunt double carefully jumps about seven feet into Chris' arms like it's freakin' Jackie Chan plummeting to the bottom of a three story shopping mall while being electrocuted by popping lightbulbs.