COURIER OF DEATH centers on top-notch deliveryman J.D. Blackman (Joey Johnson). You know his life is hectic as the film opens with J.D. and his partner Frank in charge of delivering 7 million dollars and getting ambushed by some dudes who apparently all bought the same sweat suits outfits at Sears. To let you know what kind of movie COD is, the villains stand in plain sight when J.D. and Frank land at the airport and one of them is even on a walkie talkie right as the courier van zooms past them. Luckily for them our couriers aren’t as observant as the bad guys are obvious and the sweatpants mob isn’t noticed until they start open firing on the road. J.D. and Frank make it to wooded area and a firefight breaks out. Frank, who we barely got to know, buys it, but not before J.D. blasts a few dudes for good measure (Tom pointed out a particularly hilarious bit where a guy dives off a roof, but gently puts down his gun before falling off). Despite the villain’s snatching the secure briefcase (by blasting off Frank’s hand), J.D. manages to get it back thanks to his cannon of a gun that is as big as his head. Ah, such is the life of a courier.
You know what they say about men and their guns...
of these three men? Man the only thing worse than this Colonel’s “intelligence” is J.D.’s perception skills. Anyway, J.D. meets up with this chick Angel (Amy Sachel) and she proceeds to kick him in the balls a few times before J.D. kills her by inadvertently making her drink some poison champagne she had set aside for him. Jeez, am I still summarizing this movie? Okay, I’ll speed it up. J.D. gets the bonds back from Bigelow, who quickly dies of heart attack; J.D. contacts the Colonel and finds out he was using J.D. to get the bonds (shocker!) and the Colonel and the bonds are blown up in a car due to the briefcase being loaded with a bomb; finally, J.D. and grudge holding henchman Carver have a big ol’ fight on a mountain and J.D. wins. But not before an innocent family gets held hostage and shot. Damn, seems like J.D.’s luck is rubbing off on folks.
Katie: “Can I join you?”
J.D.: “I’m not ready for that yet, but when
I am you’ll be the first one to know.”
I haven’t laughed that hard since Leo Fong turned down the advances of a topless Playboy Playmate in one of his flicks.