The XXX-Factor: STAR WARS XXX: A PORN PARODY (2012)

We’ve been molesting our blog every now and then with reviews of the X-rated parodies hitting DVD seemingly every week.  Our category of choice has mostly been horror spoofs (with reviews of SAW, FRIDAY THE 13th, WET DREAM ON ELM STREET and the two HALLOWEEN spoof) as that is the genre we are probably most familiar with.  Yeah, we’re still waiting on Tom to hit up that THIS AIN’T CONAN XXX.  But there is one film that nearly the entire world is familiar with.  It is a film that has crossed cultural and generational boundaries, still permeating our society nearly 35 years after its initial release.  The most recent Super Bowl had yet another commercial cashing in on its familiarity.  You can evoke it just by doing some heavy breathing. And, hell, one of the films spawned from it is once again haunting theaters. Of course, I’m talking about George Lucas’ legendary STAR WARS (1977).

It is frankly shocking that a straight up porn parody of STAR WARS – one of the most well known and revered films of all-time – has taken this long to get off the ground.  Perhaps it was a fear of Lucas’ notorious ability to dispatch his legal Stormtroopers faster than Han Solo’s Kessel run that kept porn producers away, but fearless Axel Braun Productions and Vivid have decided it was finally time to stand up to the Dark Side and give the legendary sci-fi film it official seal of approval as a true cinematic and cultural icon.  After all, can any film truly be considered a masterpiece until it has depictions of its characters doing the nasty onscreen?  No it can’t, which is why CITIZEN KANE (1941) won’t truly be considered a classic until we see CITIZEN SHARON KANE.  Get on that one quickly, producers, before we need to call it SENIOR CITIZEN SHARON KANE.

Hmmm, I don't remember
this scene from the original
Opening with a theme that reminds me more of 1970s BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, STAR WARS XXX: A PORN PARODY lets you know right off the bat that this will be serious parody business as they perfectly recreate the opening text crawl (the rebels got the Death Star plans by hacking Vader’s Spacebook page) and the iconic big Destroyer ship reveal.  Onboard the rebel ship, C-3PO (given campy voice by legendary gay director Chi Chi LaRue) and R2-D2 sneak into an escape pod while Darth Vader (Lexington Steel) keeps screwing up and choking rebel hostages to death.  Once on Tatooine, the droids split up (“Go that way, you rusting little Twink,” cries C-3PO) before being captured by Jawas.  On the Death Star, Vader interrogates captured Princess Leia (Allie Haze), resulting in our first sex scene at the 8 minute mark.  Vader tells Leia that he knows her father and that “he’s had more tail than a Nerf herder.”  For some reason she gets turned on and begins to play with herself before giving him a blowjob. *Nerd voice: wait a sec, knowing what I know about Darth Vader and his past, this scene is creeping me out* Well, for once I guess the really heavy breathing fits in a sex scene.

Meanwhile, C-3PO and R2-D2 are picked up by Luke Skywalker (Seth Gamble) and his Uncle Owen.  Instead of looking for a droid that knows the binary language of moisture vaporators, Owen is looking for one “that understands women well enough to tell me what my wife is saying half the time.”  Ha, good luck with that.  The family picks up the units and, while Luke is cleaning them up, R2 shows his hologram message from Leia (“Come for me Obi-Wan. Come for me.”  Ha!).  R2 refuses to show the message again (“The first taste is always free,” coos C-3PO) and bolts to find this mysterious Obi-Wan. Meanwhile, Vader chills with Grand Moff Tarkin, who tries to get the location of the rebel base out of Leia (“I feel like breakfasting somewhere civilized and then perhaps blowing it up.  Set your course for Alderan.”).  Luke and C-3PO eventually locate the paranoid droid, but Luke faints when he sees one of the Sand People.  *Nerd voice: they’re called Tusken Raiders!*  Thankfully, Obi-Wan Kenobi (Tom Byron) shows up to save him.  Well, kinda.  He uses the Force to subdue the female Sand Person (Jennifer White) trying to attack him.  “Don’t be afraid. You won’t need your weapon…or your clothes,” he says.  Why you crafty old Jedi.  Here’s our second sex scene and most of it takes place on the hood of the Lightspeeder.  Have you no shame, Obi-Wan?  I won’t tell you how the scene ends, but let’s just say Obi-Wan’s blast points have far too much precision for the Sand People chick.

Back at Obi-Wan’s place, the elderly Jedi confirms he once fought alongside Luke’s father in the Clone Wars and the duo decide to head to Mos Eisley (“You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.  Believe me, I’ve looked,” says Obi-Wan) to hire a pilot to fly them to Alderan.  After a funny play on the Jedi mind trick scene with two scantily clad Stormtroopers, our heroes head into the cantina and meet up with Chewbacca (Dick Chibbles) and Han Solo (Rocco Reed). After the flight arrangements are made, director Braun deviates from the original by having two long sex scenes. The first is a lesbian scene involving the two Cantina Tonnika twins (Aiden Ashley, Kimberly Kane) with braided hair.


The second has two couples (Gia DiMarco, Rihanna Rimes, Danny Wylde, Derrick Pierce) going at it with Rimes dressed as Oola, Jabba’s dancer.  *Nerd voice: wait a sec, that character was from RETURN OF THE JEDI! It’s a trap!*


We then get the famous Greedo scene, where Han not only shoots first, he shoots his green adversary about 8 times.


Meanwhile, the evil Tarkin has ordered the Death Star to blow up Alderan, but they miss on their first try.  The Falcon boys hits hyperspace and soon arrive to find the planet all blow’d up and then they get sucked into the Death Star by the tractor beam.  Once inside, Obi-Wan heads out to shut off the tractor beam while Luke and Han sneak into a control room. This leaves Chewie all alone and what can the poor walking carpet do?  Why get it on with two female Stormtroopers (Brandy Aniston, Eve Laurence), of course!  The resulting sex scene is truly terrifying, the stuff your nightmares are made of (although I’m sure it will get a strong reception from some Furries).  As everyone already knows, R2 locates the Princess and Luke, Han and the satiated Chewie go to break her out (“Aren’t you a little hairy for a Stormtrooper,” she asks). They escape into a big turbo laundry dryer filled with jock straps (really!) and get out just in time to watch Obi-Wan and his flask get sliced down by Vader.  Okay, I think you know what happens next.  The rebels get their shit together and blow up the Death Star and everyone gets medals.  Oh, one small difference, Luke, Leia and Han have a threesome before the ceremony.  The sex scene culminates with Han apologizing to Luke for cumming before him.  “Sorry, farm boy. I always shoot first,” Han quips.  No better way to wrap up the STAR WARS porn than with some good ol’ geek “Han shoots first” sex humor.

STAR BABE (1977) left a lot to be desired
With the XXX parody genre at an all-time production high, I’m glad that a full on takeoff didn’t happen until now.  If it had happened it the 1970s, it would probably have only had someone in a bed sheet wearing a Stormtrooper helmet (that actually happened in STAR BABE).  The 80s and 90s would have just given us a double entendre title and not much else. The 2000s gave us things titled STAR WHORES, but they were just compilations.  And Private did a PORN WARS series, but those spoofed the prequels (boooooo!).  Yes, a film of such magnitude as STAR WARS required a spoof with a certain level of technical expertise alongside some loving hands. Thankfully, director Axel Braun was the man who decided to do it.  The son of porn pioneer Lasse Braun, Axel began his career in the adult entertainment industry in the late 1990s.  Since 2009, Braun has been dabbling almost exclusively in the porn parody genre with the THIS AIN’T… series that has seen him lampoon everything from STAR TREK to superheroes like SPIDER-MAN and SUPERMAN to GLEE (!) to AVATAR (which, like its source, was the most expensive film of all-time).

As a director, Braun brings an incredible eye for detail.  There is some dodgy CGI here and there (C-3PO and R2-D2 are 100% computer generated), but Braun actually trumps Lucas in that he uses it sparingly.  As far as the sex goes, what can I say that won’t make you think I’m even creepier than the notion that I’m reviewing a STAR WARS porn?  It is all handled well and Braun casts attractive women in all of the roles.  I’m just glad he didn’t do an Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru scene.  And, thankfully, Braun did us all a favor and didn’t shoot this in 3-D (ouch, what is that in my eye?).  There are even some sci-fi in jokes for the ultra geeks (check out the photos of the droids a few paragraphs up).  Sure, most of the acting is done in front of green screens, but the few sets they do utilize copy the source material very well.  And speaking of copying the source material, some of this stuff is so dead on that you might actually think you are watching STAR WARS for a split second.  The attack on the Death Star is a great example.  I’m sure the computer effects folks making these scenes followed the original as a blueprint very closely.  Braun is well aware of the foundation and even takes the pains to recreate the camera sets up to look similar.  Oh wait, Obi-Wan was supposed to be on the other side.














One of the more important aspects is the film’s script (really!).  Co-written by Braun and Mark Logan, the screenplay follows Lucas’ film pretty close.  In fact, I’m sure they probably just copy and pasted a version found online and then added their own dialogue in places.  The writing is infused with a real knowledge
I really don't remember
this scene from the original
about the STAR WARS universe though, both on film and in fandom.  The “Han shoots first” closing line is a great example.  Or during the final threesome where Leia seduces Luke with “I’m an orphan too.  So since we’re not related to each other…” (insert porn music). Believe it or not, I actually laughed out loud at several gags in the film. For example, the “stay on target” bit has a female fighter repeating that popular line over and over as she focuses on her scanner before she slams her X-wing right into the wall.  There are lots of plays on familiar STAR WARS lines that will make long time fans laugh.  One of my favorites is when our heroes escape Mos Eisley in the Millennium Falcon and we get one of Luke’s famous whiny lines.

Luke: I thought you said this thing was fast?
Han: I was talking about your momma, farm boy.

Of course, this semi-witty, semi-large production also requires the actors to pull it off and that is no easy feat in the porn industry.  Thankfully, Braun has managed to cast a group of capable actors who seem up for the task.  In the lead roles, Seth Gamble and Allie Haze (if those are your real names) are both good as Luke and Leia, respectively.  Haze is very attractive, a plus since she is playing the equivalent of every boys 1977 to 1983 fantasy.  Most importantly, they both look the part.  Rocco Reed is good as Han Solo, but I wouldn’t say he really looks like Harrison Ford.  The casting of Lexington Steele as Darth Vader is clever (he is black, after all), but the voice acting for Vader leaves a bit to be desired. I’m not sure if it is Steele or not, but there is little attempt to mimic the deep voice of James Earl Jones.  And speaking of voiceovers, Chi Chi LaRue portraying C-3PO as a camp drag queen is fantastic.  In the non-sex roles, Bryn Pryor shines as Grand Moff Tarkin (I’m shocked they didn’t name him Grand Muff) and does all of Peter Cushing’s great lines with gusto.  Last but definitely not least is Tom Byron as Obi-Wan Kenobi.  A veteran of the adult industry for over 30 years, Byron delivers a performance for the ages as the veteran Jedi Knight.  Not only does he look like Sir Alec Guiness, but he has his voice and inflections down.  Not only that, but he is actually funny. Seriously, it is one of the best performances I’ve ever seen in a porn parody and the man deserves the porn equivalent of an Oscar.  It is a performance that could have easily been done by lazy line reading, but Byron gives his all to the role. I am officially knighting him as Sir Tom Byron (not to be confused with Lord Byron).      

So STAR WARS XXX: A PORN PARODY is a smashing success and probably better than any fan could have hoped for.  Not only is it a technically superior adult film, it is actually funny too.  That is more than I can say for something like those terrible ______ MOVIE spoofs by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer that Hollywood keeps puking onto the public.  I applaud Braun and his entire cast and crew for the effort.  We can only hope that THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK spoof is coming soon.  Just, please, no Yoda sex scene.

5 Reactions:

Tom Spanner said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tom Clark said...

I'm not so sure you'd want to see Citzen Sharon Kane at this point. Seen her latley? Yikes!

Erik (Drunketh) said...

Wow, that looks actually really well done.

rickeytard said...

I love to see those porno who has consider some unique story. As per above pictures, this movie is very interesting for me. I am very exciting to download this video. Where can i get it?
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Unknown said...

This also reminds me of I went to see the Star Wars Burlesque show in Australia, was a big production that is touring the country.

They are also doing this which my friend doubts will be around for long
http://tenderloins.com.au/products/wookierotica-magazine-preorder

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