BRAIN ROBBERS opens with Detective Gustavo Perez in a hospital bed and telling a woman his wild story. He rambles on about lizard-men Illuminati from the Dog Star Sirius before settling into our main story that takes place in Hillsborough, Florida. A group of men out fishing spot a UFO and decide the best thing to do is contact Officer Jamey (Brooks) about it because he has some history with extraterrestrials. This really shakes up Jamey’s world as he is living with his daughter and granddaughter and the highlight of his day is having kids leave flaming bags of dog crap on his porch. Jamey and the men return to the area where they saw the UFO and they discover a black circle burnt into the ground and a small cylinder in the middle of it. Naturally, they bag this strange piece of machinery in order to take it to some scientist friends for examination.
We then meet Evelyn (Lara Stewart) and her goth twin sister Lilith (Stewart again). Evelyn goes to visit a professor about her tarot card term paper, but all they get is the teacher telling Lilith about the mythical origin of her name. Meanwhile, Jamey and Ted (Raymond Couto) take the strange cylinder to a neurosurgeon friend, who analyzes it in his Sheldrich Morphogenic Matrix Scanner. Hey, is that a STAR TREK joke? Anyway, they find out that inside the container are brains. Jamey then takes it down to the police department, but the cop he takes it to isn’t interested in it. While at the station, Jamey sees Domino (Jose Ortega), a guy who was busted for smoking a joint. With some smooth talking (that we never hear), Jamey gets him released. Once outside, they part ways but not before they meet Officer Mary (Raye Ramsey), an old flame of Domino’s. She asks if he is still seeing Lilith (alright, things are connecting) and he is. Lilith and Evelyn return to Evelyn’s home where her drunken husband Russo Romero (Duran Anderson) gets so fed up that he goes to his job as a gravedigger in the cemetery.
Butt Wipe: Why can’t I see?
Morphia: Because you don’t have any eyes.
Butt Wipe: Don’t have any eyes?
Butt Wipe (pauses): Why?
It is here that Morphia spells out the film's tenuous PLAN 9 connection. Seems the invaders back in the 1950s were her grandparents and she wants to not only continue their mission, but also get even with Officer Jamey. Oh yeah, Officer Jamey, remember him? He teams up with Officer Mary and they battle a bunch of zombies in the park. Morphia tries to seduce Domino, but Lilith snaps out of it because ain’t nobody touching her man, girlfriend. Domino escapes and meets Evelyn in the woods, but she has become a zombie because she was killed by Ted. Domino finally reunites with Officers Jamey and Mary and they look up into the sky to cheer the bombers (cue stock footage) attacking the UFO. This lively trio then celebrates by going to a hotel and sipping drinks by the pool. Our story ends with two fat kids dumping buckets of water on Conrad Brooks’ head. Back in “real time,” Det. Perez has wrapped up his story and the audience sees the interviewer is Lilith. *cue “dah, dah, dahhhhh” music* He is then taken to the loony bin in the world’s longest dragging down the hallway sequence every put on film, er, video.
And even if true, at least Wood had the common courtesy to get us in and out in 80 minutes. This miniseries of pain is three and a half hours long. This thing is so bad that at times it became strangely hypnotic to me. Take this scene where Criswell visits Ted (who I’m pretty sure is legit drunk in this clip):
|Good nudity :-)|
|Bad nudity :-(|
I will admit there is one legit moment where I laughed out loud (intentionally) during this cavalcade of cinematic cheese. When the woman is being attacked by Lobster Boy, she runs to a house and pleads for help. A woman inside leaps up off the couch and yells out the window, “Go away! Don’t bother us, we’re watching The Simpsons.” D’oh! While I never want to disparage indie filmmakers, this is some seriously rough stuff here. I think it may have even cracked the top ten worst films I’ve ever seen. But can I really hold it against Hewlett when one of the extras on the DVD is his 9 minute discourse on the positive effects of psychedelics helping one free themselves from the confines of our media masters? I suspected there were some brain dead folks behind the camera and that proves it. There were some brain robbers loose in Florida alright and I think they stole a bit from me after watching this.