Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Halloween Havoc: A WET DREAM ON ELM STREET (2011)

It wouldn’t be our annual Halloween Havoc celebration if we didn’t have a porn review thrown in.  Last year’s SAW: A PORN PARODY review became one of our most read reviews (shocker!).  Actually, I should probably say it was our most viewed review since I don't think anyone was actually reading the text.  Anyway, it proved to us that the old adage of “sex sells” is true and we’re always looking to lower our standards.  Uh, I mean, give the public what it wants.  With porn parodies all the rage now, you knew it was only a matter of time before cinema’s favorite razor-glove wielding serial killer, Freddy Kruger, would get his own send up.  After all, nothing says sexy quite like a burnt guy boning babes.

A WET DREAM ON ELM STREET opens with – surprise – a sex scene.  A young couple (Jennifer White and Chris Johnson) are in bed and get it on for 20 minutes.  Post-sex, the girl rolls over to complement her partner and discovers Freddy (Anthony Rosano) in her bed.  No joke, we then get one of the most intentionally funny lines I’ve ever heard in a porno.  Looking at the burnt man laying next to her, the girl gets excited and exclaims, “Oh my God! You’re Edward James Olmos.  I can’t believe it.  I’m such a huge fan.”  That actually got me to laugh out loud, while questioning the history of screenwriting in porn.  Freddy is pissed for never being mistaken for a burnt Brad Pitt while the girl seems to take a liking to his glove that sports four silver vibrators.  And we are off!

The main “plot” then kicks off as we cut to a 2 year high school reunion (on a classroom set that I may or may not have seen before).  The attendance is pretty low as only three girls – Betty (Sophie Dee), Kami (Gracie Glam) and Denise (Charley Chase) – have shown up.  The reason for the poor turnout, as their teacher (Tommy Pistol) relays, is that most of the students were in smile-cracking Pleasure Comas due to “constant rubbing of their genitalia.” Seems it was all the work of dream demon Freddy, a former shyster sex toy salesman.  The kids’ parents turned on him because of his high-priced, low-quality products (“He sold me a Fleshlight. It was actually a flashlight,” says the teacher) and this resulted in a lynching in which Freddy was burned from the waist up (ha!) and had vibrators melted to his hand.  So, just don’t fall asleep and you won’t have to deal with the sleep sex stalker.

At home, Betty figures she has a surefire way to stay awake – good ol’ porn on her iPad.  She starts to watch the classic DEAD MAN FUCKING, but is shocked to see Freddy is playing the title character. He gets it on with a female prison guard (Giselle Leon), resulting in something  your brain wishes it never saw - Freddy Kruger fucking! This scene also offers us one of the film’s more clever exchanges.




Guard: Hi, Jason.
Freddy: It’s fuckin’ Freddy!
Guard: Whatever.

Scared that Freddy is invading their dreams, the girls return to the classroom (MY GOD this production budget) where their teacher says if they think hard enough, they will find Freddy’s weakness. He then produces a 4-vibrator glove he got from a dream that Freddy was in (“It wasn’t gay”) and says they can use this to thwart the Fredster.  How?  By having Kami do a solo scene with the glove on, of course!  This backfires as she fucks herself into a Pleasure Coma.  Betty decides to head home, while Denise figures it is best to stay alone (“If I learned anything from horror movies, it’s that the psychotic fictional horror villain never goes for the hot girl in a room that’s dark when she’s all alone and most vulnerable.”). After hearing moans coming from her text book, Denise opens it to find she is having sex inside it.  Uh oh, she’s asleep and soon finds herself dreaming of getting it on with the teacher (“Do you wanna bang?” he asks) in the film’s fourth sex scene.

Okay, with two girls pleasured into unconsciousness, I guess this leaves Betty as the film’s heroine.  Angered due to her lack of sleep, she purposely goes to the land of slumber in order to combat Freddy (“I can’t take this anymore.  I need some fuckin’ sleep. Freddy, I’m coming for you.”).  Naturally, the nightmare nookie-man shows up and they proceed to get it on.  After another hot-n-heavy session, Freddy tries to snag his latest victim, but this Betty is a smart one.  At some point during their sex session, she took the batteries out of Freddy’s vibrators and squashed his pulsating powers.  Tada! She wakes up safe and sound on her couch, but find outs that she indeed did have a wet dream on Elm Street after checking her panties. The end.  

Wes Craven is actually not dead yet (well, maybe artistically), but I’d advise him to start spinning in circles now because he will be doing it eternally in his grave with an X-rated take on his iconic A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984). Actually, the man should feel honored that the porn industry actually gave him the distinction of giving a damn when it came to sodomizing his most famous film.  Producers of porn spoofs are always looking for a cheap way out by only delivering a clever title, but this Tom Byron Production actually strives for something better.  Canadian (Ooooooh, Canada) Lee Roy Meyers appears to be the go-to guy when it comes to porn parodies and he proved his devotion to his craft earlier this year with a live-action XXX THE SIMPSONS parody with people actually painted yellow.  So it should come as no surprise that this production actually went through the trouble of having a real Freddy facsimile.  The make-up is actually pretty good and wisely draws upon classic Freddy and not that ill-advised ELM STREET remake.  Yes, I really just wrote a sentence commending a porn production on the aesthetic choices of their latex effects.  I do, however, have to deduct points for not including a play on the classic Freddy rhyme song.  C’mon, I thought of “one, two, Freddy’s cumming on you” in two seconds here.

Also surprising is a fairly game cast.  Now I know they are all DTF, but some of the performances are bordering on good. Tommy Pistol is actually really funny as the know-it-all teacher and his funny delivery almost made me forget about his poor choices when it came to tattoos…almost.  The girls are also all fine in their roles and, of course, they’re hot.  Out of all the girls, I’d say Giselle Leon had the best scene as there is just something about her that is hot.  Naturally, the star of the show is Anthony Rosano as the wet dream maniac and he delivers when it comes to a Robert Englund imitation (the make up, hat and sweater obviously help).  Porn scholars would be angered if I didn’t mention that this is actually the second porn film to sport this title as the original A WET DREAM ON ELM STREET came out on video in 1988.  While I’m not sure if this counts as an actual remake (a porn first?), I’m sure they are both similar in that they included a Freddy-esque character and lots of nekkid folks.  As it stands, the 2011 ELM STREET might just be the best horror porn parody to date.

Moments of Clarity:

1 Reactions:

  1. I have heard this movie but i have never seen in past. I see this photo and i think that the dirty man will getting fucked very hard to lady and also will teach about the sex information. I am really exciting to enjoy this movie.
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    ReplyDelete

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