Pull out the stops
Zakka, zakka, zakka
Don't call the cops
We'll be wiggling up your ladder
We'll be jiggling your gallbladder
-UP YOUR LADDER theme song
A bad shipment of drugs must have made its way into Hollywood in the late 70s. Sure, 1979 had some great comedies like LOVE AT FIRST BITE, MEATBALLS and THE JERK. But I can’t figure our how the painfully unfunny flicks we’ve been viewing from that year like SWAP MEET and RACQUET got made other than someone out of their mind on some mind-altering substance that made them think they were hilarious. Or maybe they just read the script for UP YOUR LADDER and thought, “Hell, if they can do it, so can I?” How bad is this movie? I’m seriously considering calling up RACQUET to see if she will take me back. I mean, I know I said some bad things about her, but, c’mon baby, I didn’t know how bad it was out there in the real world.
Actually, that might not be far off. The makers of this mess (Josh Hayes [co-director], Eddie Ryder [co-director & co-writer], and Chris Warfield [producer & co-writer]) were all born in the 1920s/30s. So their comedy styling is about as hip as your granddads. Seriously, their writing sessions probably included flipping through a worn 1950s copy of “Dirty Jokes Your Folks Never Told You” while they laughed hysterically. Their idea of funny is a bit where an Asian guy and a black guy decide to paint their white friend black the night before his first day at a new job after he asks them to make sure he wakes up in time. He rushes into work unaware of his condition and we get an exchange like this.
Manager: Who are you?
Guy: I’m the new guy you hired.
Manager: You must be mistaken. I don’t hire blacks.
Guy: I’m not black.
Manager: Take a look in the mirror.
Guy (looks in mirror): Oh no, they woke up the wrong guy.
the map, going from being in a few LASSIE episodes in the 1960s to directing porn as Billy Thornberg. His greatest achievement might be producing DIXIE RAY, HOLLYWOOD STAR (1983), a respected adult title that managed to get Cameron Mitchell in it (in a non-sex role, thank goodness!). You’ll also spot some familiar faces in this (if you dare watch it) including Michael Chan, Chuck McCann, Ray Halpern (the killer from BARE KNUCKLES), ILSA producer Don Edmonds and even Ilsa herself Dyanne Thorne getting topless in one segment under the pseudonym Penny Walters. Think about that for a minute – the star of notoriously nasty Naziploitation flicks felt that she better use a different name on this. The film’s lone highlight is a thirty second bit starring the great George “Buck” Flower, who was also the associate producer. Here it is in all its glory. Consider your gallbladder jiggled. You owe me $50.