The film opens with a group of ninjas assaulting a corporate building. Showing off all their tricks, they make it to the main guy’s office to steal a video. Cut to an isolated ranch where The Colonel (Conners) is practicing his golf game while his assistant Karen (Cara Casey) gets her aerobics freak on. For some odd reason, ninjas show up and the Colonel – he is never given a name – blasts them with a shotgun he keeps in his golf bag. Back inside, Karen talks about her super duper computer system which prompts the Colonel to bemoan technology. This dude is old school. But the system appears to be working as it tells them about the videotape being stolen. What was on the tape? Some kind of stuff scientists were doing, which causes the Colonel to exclaim that “maybe they shouldn’t ask so many questions!” Damn, this guy is really old school! And let's not forget this isn’t just any videotape…it is a Beta tape! Are we sure these are ninjas and not VJ friend and Beta fiend Jon Stone?
them for action and Dennis comes up with an amazing plan – let’s go back to the same restaurant we got attacked at and harass the hostess Yukiko! Brilliant! But, unfortunately, she isn’t there but Manji is sharp enough to get her home address. Damn, these guys are good. Sonny goes to talk to her, but gets bonked on the head. Damn, these guys suck. We then hilariously cut back to the Colonel (riding on a tractor!), who gets updated on the events by Karen. She says they found the girl and the Colonel says, “What girl?” He then says, “Is she the same girl who works at that restaurant by the water?” Wow. Godfrey Ho shakes his head at this lousy exposition. Anyway, they locate Yukiko (at the restaurant by the water, duh!) and get her to reveal location of the ninja headquarters (by Dennis yelling at Yukiko). Our heroes arrive just in the nick of time as the evil Russians are copying the formula. And I literally mean copying the formula as they are only allowed to view the video and not copy it.
Damn, this movie is a riot from start to finish. Any film that opens with Chuck Conners in a Brooklyn Dodgers jacket blowing away ninjas with a shotgun at a ranch during daylight is awesome in my book. Conners might be top billed but he probably only did a day or so of work on this picture. The filmmakers make sure to insert a scene with him every 15 minutes or so. It is also hilarious how he looks exactly like a Sleestak from the LAND OF THE LOST TV series with his glasses on:
NINJA TURF (1985) are the reason I love continuing to search for new flicks to view. They may not be good, but they are a blast.