SAW porn parody review, we’re sure the mainstream filmmakers didn’t really feel they were a success until a XXX version of their film arrived. I’m sure the people behind CONAN THE BARBARIAN felt the same way (especially that perv Schwarzenegger). Surprisingly, there wasn’t a true adult take on the Conan character around the time he was king of the box office. The fleshmerchants did, however, get clever with the Conan-style.
The first notable Conan-influenced title appeared in 1987 with BARBARA THE BARBARIAN. This featured Barbara Dare in the title role as a leader of female warriors who use men as slaves. She battles a female adversary (Nina Hartley) and tyrannical king (Randy West) who is after Barb’s virgin sister (Jeanna Fine). Yeah, a virgin in a porn flick. Haha. Anyway, the interesting thing about this flick is that it was directed by Gary Graver under his nom-de-porn pseudeonym Robert McCallum. He was a long-time exploitation cameraman and even directed a few mainstream flicks (most notably the 1982 slasher TRICK OR TREATS). We haven’t seen this one as it is pretty hard to find, but figured we would give it a mention for historical purposes. Yeah, that’s right, this is all done for the sake of film history, not because we like ogling nekkid women. We are serious students of the game here.
Perhaps the most well known of the barbarian breeders are Henri Pachard and Erica Boyer’s THE NEW BARBARIAN flicks. Yeah, I know, you’re thinking of Fred Williamson and the Italians right now, but these are definitely not in the same genre. Seemingly one giant three hour flick shot at the same time and split into two, these films take place in a land of sword and sorcery.
BEASTMASTER II which came out a year later. Bwhahahahahaha! The film ends with our two females leads trapped in time in an alley by a biker club. “Where are you from? CONAN THE BARBARIAN?” asks a biker chick before we get the “to be continued…” graphic.
guy named Harley (West again), who just happens to be the spittin’ image of Dak. Brog, meanwhile, has grown accustomed to modern life (that didn’t take long) and is glued in front of the TV (“I must meet the one they call Magic Johnson”). He has no interest in using the crystal to get back to his time period. Helpless, Talia blabs her sob story to Harley and Melanie. She says her father was trying to use the crystal to “prevent the great conflict from happening.” What was this conflict? It was an epic battle between men and women according to Talia. “Sounds like World War III,” mentions Melanie, to which Talia replies that “the great conflict came after World War III.” What? Oh no, quick thinking Harley figures it all out – you’re not from the past, you’re from our future. DUN DUN DUNNNNNN! Obviously the only way to remedy this is to have a threesome to see if it can zap you back to your time zone. Smooth thinking, Harley, smooth thinking. It works and Talia is sent back to her time zone before her father Zarkon and her lover Dak are killed. Yay, happy endings! Hmmm, maybe I should rephrase that. Yay, plot resolution. Of course, we end on an ominous note as Zarkon finds the glowing emerald once again.
DEATHSTALKER flicks look like CONAN THE BARBARIAN in comparison. Never lose focus that these are porn movies. They are, however, a time capsule back into what the late 80s/early 90s porn industry looked like on a good day (meaning when the videocamera stayed in focus and the mic only picked up a little bit of wind). As it stands, they are the best CONAN wannabe XXX features available. Of course, that is probably going to change soon as Hustler just announced they will be doing a THIS AIN'T CONAN XXX to coincide with the release of the new film this upcoming August. I’ll definitely check it out…for analysis purposes, of course.