Monday, May 24, 2010

Things we learned from watching PARASITE (1982)


In the future…

…1992 looks a lot like 1982, if the entirety of 1982 took place in the California desert.

…we still have gas pumps but they will have cool acrylic pyramids on them!

…the last person you want having your back in a brawl is Demi "Can't take a punch" Moore.

…"We got canned fruit, canned beer and canned soup", but at least it all costs the same.

…gangs called The Ray Guns will actually be taken seriously.

…if someone’s carrying around a thermos, there must be something extremely valuable in it!


…Jeff Goldbum and Ray Romano make sweet love and give birth to Robert Glaudini.

...Glaudini has only enough fight in him to take out two punks in the opening. After that, he is useless.

...Glaudini gets the girl despite showing he is filled with strawberry jam.

…don't go sticking your hand into a crazy, sick dude’s thermos!

...parasites can be killed with ultra-high frequency sound but you need the bigger parasite to identify the frequency of the smaller one inside you (do whaaaaat?).

…kids get sent to work camps run by corporations… Yeah, nothing has changed.

…gas prices have only gone up 2000%, but they don’t take cash, here in the wasteland they only accept Merchant Silver Cards. They’re everywhere, you don’t want to be.

…instant coffee will be referred to as “the real thing” and packets will fetch big money, at least $5 each!

…sickies get their kicks by pretending to rape their chicks and an abandoned kitchen is a perfect place for an S&M three-way!

…Demi Moore still can’t act.

…rattlesnakes are never up to any good. Ever.

…Lamborghini Countachs still look futuristic.

…you can stick a pole through someone and blood will still come out the end of it.

…corporate executives/assassins can appreciate good lemonade, but prefer not to drink it.

…laboratory-created parasites enjoy leaping down on their victims from the ceiling.

...if you're going to beat Demi Moore's ass, at least have the decency to take her outside and do it in the lemon garden.



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